NJOKI CHEGE: Never has there been a more incompetent driver like a Kenyan woman

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There is no other way to say this. Most Kenyan women are terrible drivers. Female drivers are awful the world over but Kenyan women have driven it a notch higher. They are horrible. Most Kenyan women cannot drive at all.

But first, a disclaimer: To those ‘powerful women’ who email my boss’s boss, demanding for my dismissal for writing the truth about women, please note, I used the word ‘most’ not ‘all’. You, dear all-powerful women with powerful husbands, do not need to read this, for you need not drive. What are chauffeurs for?

A majority of Kenyan women cannot drive. It is as if a woman’s mental faculties come to a grinding halt the moment she sits behind the wheel. She begins to sweat in areas you never know would be capable of sweating and she runs into panic mode.

The first thing she will do is to bring the driver’s seat so close to the steering wheel, so much so that she looks like a child on a feeding seat.

Then, she will clutch at the steering wheel tightly with both hands and begin to torture the rest of us drivers with their shenanigans on the road. With her back straightened and her neck astutely perched, she will begin to drive.

What follows is a chaotic drive around town.

SLOW DRIVERS

They are painfully slow drivers. Should you come across a car- preferably a pink Vitz – driven at an agonisingly slow pace on the accelerating lane along the highway, chances are that a woman is behind the wheel.

You would think that owing to their motoring incompetence they would be humble and modest on the road, but you are wrong.

Kenyan female drivers are the meanest and rudest creatures on the road; only second to matatu drivers. They will never give you way on the road, you’d think they own the title deed to that road.

At a junction while you are all waiting to get into the main road and a woman is behind the wheel of the car in front of you, you could as well take out your book because you are going to be a while on the road.

She will take her time, calculating the nautical miles of the incoming cars before saying a prayer and dashing into the main road.

Let us assume that the car in front of her stalls and remains stationary in traffic. It will take a Kenyan woman approximately five minutes to figure out that perhaps, she could go to the other lane and save herself the embarrassment of parking behind a stalled car.

HELL HATH NO FURY…

You try and a hit a woman’s car on the road. Hell, hath no fury like a woman scorned… on the road. It will not matter if the fault is hers. To a female Kenyan driver, you are the one on the wrong side and she will school you a good one.

After giving her car a tiny, undetectable scratch, she will angrily slam the breaks and pull up her handbrake in fury.

Then she will put her hazards on because the driving instructor told her to and come out of the car talking on phone,

“Babe, imagine some stupid idiot on the road has gongad MY CAR!” Note; ‘my car’ is in full caps. She has probably already called her husband, whom she addresses as ‘babe’.

She will touch the invisible bump with her soft and superbly manicured fingers and say “Whoa! This is 40K aki. You Toyota folks don’t understand the way Mercedes parts are expensive. Where is that cop?”

Dear Kenyan female drivers. I think it is time to relax, take a deep breath and enjoy the ride. You need to learn a few things on the road before you can showcase you arrogance on the road.

It would be nice to learn how to change a tire, how to check your oil and when your car is due for service. Learn a few road rules first before you come out of your car kicking and screaming. Nothing is uglier than an ignorant woman on the road.

You are not in competition with matatu drivers. Be cordial. Be courteous on the road.

-nation.co.ke